Should Women Still Be Excited About Relationships? (Asking for a friend)

Every few months, there’s a new headline telling women how to feel about love. Be excited. Be cautious. Be soft. Be silent. And honestly, I’m tired of the rules.

When I read the recent Vogue article asking “Is Having a Boyfriend Embarrassing Now?” I didn’t take it as an attack on love. I actually agreed with a lot of it. They spoke to women who are in relationships, women who said they keep things private and don’t feel the need to perform their love online, and I understood that completely.

I do the same. I keep more of my personal life private now, and when I share anything, it’s with close friends online. You just never know when someone might embarrass you.

This isn’t me arguing against the article. It’s me continuing the conversation, because I get it, and I’ve lived both sides of it.

First of All, Do What You Want

I want to start there.

Because sometimes these conversations online turn into a list of rules for women, and we do not need more rules.

If you are a woman who is happily in love, posting your man, shouting “my man, my man, my man,” and you have not experienced betrayal, humiliation, or deep disappointment from a man, then sis, you are in a very small group. You should celebrate that. You should not feel embarrassed for being loved out loud. You do not have to hide your joy because the internet decided romance is corny this month.

At the same time, a lot of women are not in that group. Many have been lied to, cheated on, breadcrumbed, strung along, love-bombed, or flat-out deceived. So of course the energy around relationships has shifted. It is not that women do not want love. Women are just no longer impressed.

When I read that Vogue piece, I actually understood what they were getting at. It is not that having a relationship is embarrassing. It is that a lot of us have reached the point where we are not about to center our entire identity around a man who has not done his work. That part, I agree with.

My Own Experience

I have dated. I have had relationships. I have had to end relationships that were not aligned. I have definitely dealt with nonsense in the dating scene. But the truth is, I was not outright deceived or cheated on, to my knowledge, until I was in my forties. That was the first time I was like, oh shit, it can happen; to me. This is the double life. This is the audacity.

Before that, even if things did not work out, it was never really messy like that.

So now I am in a different place, and even before this place, I could already see the pattern. Men, in general, are not maturing at the same pace. They are not rushing to therapy. They are not saying, “Let me heal my childhood stuff so I can show up better in relationships.” They have not been required to. Historically, we gave them a lot of room. “Boys will be boys.” “He just needs time.” “He provides, so…”

Meanwhile, women have been doing the work. We are in therapy. We are reading the books. We are talking about attachment styles. We are raising kids, buying homes, earning degrees, running businesses. We are sitting in circles talking about mother wounds, betrayal, nervous-system regulation, and boundaries. We are not the same women we were twenty years ago.

So now, of course, the standard is different. If I have my own income, my own home, my own peace, my own joy, and a strong community, why would I be excited about a man who does not even have an emotional vocabulary? Why would I fall out over a man who is kind of nice, kind of present, kind of working on himself, kind of available? Women are just not doing “kind of” at this stage of life.

The Shift

What I am noticing is this: it is not that women are not excited about love. We love love. Black and Latina women especially, we love partnership, we love softness, we love affection. The shift is that we are no longer impressed with incomplete men. We are not falling for potential. We are not calling our girlfriends to scream because he texted back. In 2025, bare minimum is not exciting. That shit is wack, actually. 

So when someone asks, “Should women even be excited about relationships anymore?” my answer is yes, but be clear. Be excited about healthy love. Be excited about mutual effort. Be excited about a man who is actually growing. Be excited about someone who can name his feelings, apologize, initiate dates, and stay consistent. Be excited about the kind of relationship that does not cost you yourself. 

What we are not doing is romanticizing men who have done absolutely no work but still want the benefits of a woman who has done all of hers. Fuck that. 

A Real Tension

There is something else here too. Many women feel silly posting their partner now because of how often men embarrass women publicly. One day it is “this is my person,” and three months later it is, “actually, no, he had a whole family.” It is not that we are ashamed of loving. We are trying to protect ourselves from public humiliation. We are trying to date in private, heal in private, and reveal in time.

So if you see some of us being quieter about our relationships, it is not because we are bitter. It is because we are wise.

What I Want Women to Hear

You can be a woman who is excited about love and still have standards. You can be soft and still have boundaries. You can be proud of your relationship and still tell the truth about how men, in general, are not doing the same level of emotional work. You can say, “my man, my man, my man,” and at the same time say, “and if you act up, I will go.” Both can be true.

And even if it is healthy, even if he is growing, even if you are both doing the work, celebrate him but stay grounded. Do not ever get so caught up in your relationship that you start putting other women down or using your joy as proof that you are “better.” His goodness is not a reflection of your worth; it is a reflection of who he chooses to be. Shit, sometimes it’s pure luck. 

We convince ourselves that we got the great man because we healed harder, prayed better, or “did the work.” That is not how it works. Many of us who have done the work have still been hurt.

I know because that was me. I was at the most healed, most peaceful point of my life, living softly, grounded, happy, and fully aligned. I thought I was manifesting all the inner work I had done. And that is when I got blindsided. That is when I learned that even at your highest level of growth, life can still flip on you. A man can still flip on you.

I did nothing wrong. In fact, I did everything right. Asked all the right questions, did all the things, and still, that was when I had my worst experience. I don’t see it as a failure, though. Life be lifing, and we all get a turn.

So if you’re in a good season, celebrate love, but stay humble. Because as with all things, people can be good today and disappointing tomorrow, here today and gone tomorrow. Love deeply, but do not lose your balance. Do not lose yourself.