Don’t Get It Twisted: We Want Love, But We’re Choosing Peace Over Partnership

Lately, I’ve come across quite a few TikToks and IG reels where men claim that women aren’t really single by choice. They say we’re lying. That no woman truly wants to be alone. That deep down, we’re just bitter or broken or waiting for the right man to rescue us. And listen—I laughed at first, but then I realized… this is exactly why this blog needs to exist.

Because the truth is: more and more Black and Brown women are single by choice. Not because we’ve given up on love. Not because we’re man-haters. But because we’ve found peace, freedom, and fulfillment—and we’re not willing to trade those things for inconsistency, emotional chaos, or someone who sees our independence as a threat instead of a blessing.

I’ve been noticing this shift not just online, but in real life. In my therapy office. In my circle of friends. In my own reflection. Women are building lives they love—on their own terms. They travel, heal, pray, launch businesses, raise children, and root for each other in community spaces that many men still don’t even know how to access. They are earning degrees, buying homes, creating art, founding companies, and living deeply.

Let’s be clear—this isn’t a trend. It’s a movement. Black women, in particular, are outpacing men in education, with higher college graduation rates and increased access to graduate-level degrees. Many are out-earning their partners or are primary breadwinners. They are starting businesses at faster rates than any other demographic. And they’re doing all of this while healing family trauma, navigating systemic racism, and still showing up for others.

But while women are evolving and expanding, too many men are standing still—especially emotionally. And many of us are tired. We still love y’all, but we need y’all to grasp this reality: we are not waiting to be chosen anymore. We’re choosing ourselves. We’re choosing peace over performance. And we’re choosing singleness over suffering.

Now here’s the interesting part: research shows that married men live longer than single men, while single women without children often live longer than married women. Marriage benefits men—socially, physically, emotionally—because women often become the caregivers, the schedulers, the nurturers, the ones who urge doctor visits and manage emotional climates. Meanwhile, many women lose themselves in caregiving and carry the weight of emotional labor. So yes, some women leave because they’re tired. Others never enter because they’ve learned from watching.

None of this means women don’t want love. We do. We crave connection, softness, shared laughter, deep intimacy. But we also want alignment. And a lot of women are realizing they don’t want to have to shrink, beg, or babysit to be in a relationship. It’s not that we don’t want men—it’s that we don’t want to lose ourselves just to keep one.

This is an invitation—for reflection, not defensiveness. Because I truly believe partnership can still be beautiful. When it’s built on shared values, mutual growth, and emotional maturity, love can stretch you and hold you at the same time. I’ve seen it. I’ve experienced it. I know it’s possible.

But if you want to be part of a woman’s peace, you can’t be the source of her pain. If you want to love her, you have to do your own work. Therapy isn’t just a trend. Emotional availability isn’t just a buzzword. These things matter—not just to her, but to you.

So many men say they’re afraid to be alone—but still don’t know how to show up fully in partnership. So many women are afraid to stay—because being “with” someone doesn’t always mean being met by them.

Let’s be real. The old narrative that men are the prize is outdated. We are the prize too. And increasingly, we are the providers, the planners, the protectors—of ourselves, our families, and our communities. So yes, we still love you. But we’re not sacrificing our peace to prove it.

If you’re a man reading this, I hope you don’t see it as an attack. I hope you see it as a mirror. I hope it challenges you to ask: What am I bringing to the table besides presence? Can I hold space? Am I willing to grow? Am I emotionally safe?

And if you’re a woman reading this—especially one who has been gaslit into thinking your singleness is a flaw—let this be your confirmation: your joy, your clarity, your healing, your community, your freedom… are not a consolation prize. They are a life. A full one.

So whether you choose partnership or peace, or both—make sure it’s by choice. Not by fear. Not by pressure. Not by outdated definitions of worth.

We are not choosing singleness because we’re angry. We’re choosing it because we finally understand our value. And if love is going to enter our lives, it must rise to meet us where we already are.