Emotional Permanence: The Fear That Love Disappears When They Do
When I first heard emotional permanence, it immediately clicked. I remembered learning about object permanence in an early psychology class—how babies cry when an object can no longer be seen. That’s why they lose their little minds during peekaboo—when you cover your face, they truly believe you’ve vanished. Turns out, emotions can feel the same way, and that realization explained so much about my own experiences.
I’ve always known I carried a mother wound, but this out of sight, out of mind feeling finally had a name. Emotional permanence is the ability to trust that love, care, and connection don’t disappear just because you’re not actively experiencing them. And let me tell you, that has not always come naturally to me.
Out of Sight, Out of Mind... and Out of Love?
I don’t immediately think “Did I do something wrong?” or “Are they mad at me?” when I don’t hear from someone, although this feeling is common with some people who have an anxious attachment style. Instead, I just start to feel off—anxious, unsettled, like something is wrong but I can’t name what. It’s not about logic. It’s an irrational fear of abandonment creeping in, whispering that if someone isn’t actively showing up, maybe this means something. Maybe they don't love me or aren't thinking of me. Maybe the space somehow diminishes their feelings for me.
This fear isn’t based in reality, but it feels real. The moment someone reappears—texts, calls, walks through the door—everything settles. But why does love feel like it vanishes the second someone isn’t physically present?
How This Ties to the Mother Wound
Growing up with an emotionally unavailable or inconsistent mother can deeply impact emotional permanence. If love, attention, or validation felt unpredictable as a child, it makes sense that we’d struggle with emotional security as adults.
For many Black and Latina women, emotional validation wasn’t always openly expressed. “You know I love you” was supposed to be enough. But if love wasn’t consistently shown, we learned to question whether it would always be there. That uncertainty follows us, making it hard to trust that connection remains even in moments of distance. This can lead to constantly needing proof of love—frequent reassurance, check-ins, or signs that we are still wanted and included. And while this need is deeply rooted in past wounds, it can also be exhausting for a partner who feels like their love is never enough to fully convince us. The cycle of seeking validation and fearing its absence can create tension, making relationships feel like an emotional tightrope walk. This can be particularly challenging for a partner with an anxious attachment style.
Strengthening Emotional Permanence
If this resonates, here’s what has helped me:
Recognizing the Pattern – Just knowing that this is an emotional permanence issue (not actual abandonment) can be grounding.
Self-Soothing – Reminding yourself: “Love doesn’t disappear just because I can’t see it right now.” Practice deep breathing, journaling, or affirmations.
Reframing the Absence – Instead of viewing distance as loss, see it as an opportunity to build security within yourself. “Their love is still there, even when they’re not.”
Healthy Communication – Instead of over-explaining or apologizing for needing reassurance, practice direct communication: “I know it’s irrational, but I feel a little unsettled when there’s silence. Just letting you know.”
Inner Child Healing – Acknowledge and nurture the younger version of yourself that felt unseen or unsure about love’s permanence.
Final Thoughts
Healing emotional permanence issues isn’t about never feeling anxious—it’s about learning to trust love even in its quiet moments. It’s about knowing that just because you can’t see someone’s love in the moment doesn’t mean it’s disappeared.
If you’ve ever felt an unease settle in when someone isn’t physically present, you’re not alone. But with time, patience, and self-compassion, you can strengthen your ability to trust that love stays, even when it’s not actively in front of you.
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